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It's Over, Now What?

So for some strange reason I accepted the 30 day "Blog Like Crazy" Challenge so lucky you----you're going to hear from me more this month than ever before. You can expect posts that make you cry, posts that make you laugh, posts that make you think or any combination of the three,lol!

So for this first post, I thought we'd go back to the basics, what made me start blogging in the first place a few years ago- heartbreak.

If you've never had your heart broken or been disappointed by the way a relationship (or situationship) ended, you're one of the lucky ones. For the rest of us, if we're honest, we've been there, and for many of us, we've been down that road more than once.

So what happens next? What happens after she tells you that it's over and wants to just be friends? What happens after he moves on while your head is still calculating exactly where it all went wrong? What happens when the song you deemed "our song," comes on the radio and all the memories come flooding back?

The answer?

Grieve. Get up. Grow.

Listen, I've been there. One minute things are good, and then seemingly the next minute, someone throws your heart back at you in pieces with a big ole, "no thank you, 'Return to Sender," sign on it. And all the plans you've made in your head with that person go cascading down the commode.

Guess what? You're not enduring anything thousands before you haven't endured and thousands after you won't endure. The main thing to remember is this, though, what happens next is up to you.

That's right, I said it! Your ability to move from heartbroken to healed is in your hands. Your ability to move from this moment to the next best moment in your life is on you, it's your responsibility. Your next open door, your next blessing, your next chance to make good memories depends on what you do in this moment, what steps you take next.

So first things first:

  • Grieve- This is the ugly  part of recovery. This is when you do the crying, the screaming at mid air, the laying awake at night, the emotional eating (I don't recommend this), or the emotional shopping (I don't recommend this either).

 This is the part where you go through a box of Kleenex or two, pray like never before, call your friends for support, binge watch your favorite tv show under your favorite blanket and just get it allllll out. It happened, beloved---you loved and you were vulnerable and you tried and it didn't work and that's ok! Because what's meant for you won't miss you; this means the person that is meant to stick around WILL and it won't take begging and prompting and prodding to convince him or her of your awesomeness and why they should stay.

So take you a minute to face those feelings head on. If you have to scream, scream. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to write it all out in your journal, write. If you have to take a kick-boxing class and punch some air until you feel better, get to punching! Get off of your ex's page ASAP and navigate those stages of grief with dignity. Just don't stay in this place too long. There is greater on the other side of those sleepless nights and your greater is waiting for you to GET UP!!!

  • Get UP - Okay then what? You get up! No literally, when your feet hit the floor today, decide in your mind that yesterday was the last day you're going to grieve over that relationship that obviously wasn't God's best for you right now. Decide that yesterday was the last day you lose sleep over someone who isn't losing sleep over you. I'm not using the word "choose" or "decide" be accident. I''m hoping it lets you know that life is choice-driven and YOU have the power to DECIDE how you feel today and where your day goes from here. Brush your teeth, do your hair, put on an outfit that makes you feel like you run the world, ladies try a new lip color, fellas try a new tie and do SOMETHING to love who you see when you look in the mirror. 

Surround yourself with friends---go the movies, go out for coffee, go work out together. Join a new gym, take a new class, learn a new language, take a road trip. But whatever you do, decide the wallowing ends NOW.

Someone once said to me, "He who angers you controls you." As I've gotten older and been through more things, I've learned that it's also, "He who saddens you, controls you." "He who makes you stay in bed wallowing and crying while he is out there living his best life and you're watching your life pass you by, controls you." That may sound a bit dramatic but think about it. If when "our song" comes on, I crumble into a puddle of tears and can't function for the next hour, I've given that person power over my emotions. Now that you're clear-headed and can think straight, ask yourself, why am I giving this person power over how I feel? Power over my emotions? Power over my perception of myself? Power over my outlook on love? Thus ultimately, power over ME? Does he/she even DESERVE that power? NOOOOOO!!! 

Take your control back and get out of that house and stop grieving and start living!!!

  • Lastly, Grow.  This is the part where you ONLY look back at that relationship to see what you can learn from it. What lessons can you take to be a better individual? What lessons can you take into your next relationship to make it successful?

    • Were there some signs you missed in the beginning that should have been red flags?

  • Are you emotionally mature/healthy to begin another relationship?

  • Has your list of deal breakers grown longer/shorter?

  • Did you rush into it? Did you ignore intuition?

  • Did you give too much? Not give enough?

  • Have you learned your love language, what makes you tick? Are you selfless enough to learn how to speak your next partner's love language?

  • Were you looking for a relationship to make you whole or have you recognized how to be whole without one?

  • Are you only dating people that are you "type," and possibly missing out on great opportunities because the candidate doesn't make a certain salary or look a certain way?

How do you "fail forward," from this? How do you find learning lessons in this to be your best self and eventually a great partner and ultimately spouse?

Personally, 2018's dating highs and lows have definitely shown me that I am still growing. 10 months and 1 day in and I've learned that you can't force chemistry, my intuition radar is still on point, and timing matters just as much as chemistry!

So, dear reader, what are we going to do? Grieve. Get Up. Grow!

Cry it out, get productive and move forward!

And know that it really does get better! When YOU decide that what's coming will ALWAYS be greater than what ended! Make up your mind that today is the first day of the best days of your life!

As we close chapter 2018 and embrace what's to come, comment below any lessons you've learned this year and meet me back here tomorrow for another chance to share and grow!


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