As you all know, writing is ooober therapeutic for me. I realize that holding in one's emotions can be toxic, so I will often write a letter to my hurt or the one who hurt me, not to send it, but instead to prevent myself from suppressing it. Below is a letter entitled "Someday," for your reading pleasure.
Someday you will be just a memory.
I will laugh at the fact that I ever even knew you.
That I ever missed a meal so heartsick that I lost my appetite thinking of you.
Someday the thoughts of our pillow talk,
The sweet promises you whispered won't make my cringe,
Won’t cause tears to silently build in my eyes until they tumble down my cheeks,
Liquid pain, lost hope, tainted heart, crippled dreams.
Someday I won't remember how my hand fit yours, how my body fit yours,
How our breathing patterns matched when we'd settle down into each other's center,
That the warmth of your breath on the back of my neck ever soothed me, ever made me feel safe and secure.
Someday I won't think about you every day, wonder if you're thinking of me.
Someday I won't kick myself for letting you into my vulnerable places,
For making me believe again, making me dream again,
For saying all the right things at all the right times and convincing me that you meant them.
Someday I won't grip my chest when I think of the way you'd make me laugh and then took it away, made me think, challenged me to grow and then were gone, made me think, made we want to stay awake all night listening to your voice knowing we had to get up and go to work the next day, call in to work just to lay in bed and drift into another realm, reach physical peaks, rest and do it all over again.
Someday I won't be reminded of your scent on my skin. The sound of your voice won't literally feel like a part of me inside is dying. Your face won’t ceremoniously, repetitiously pop into my mind, causing me to pause whatever I am doing and remind myself to breathe.
Someday you will be less than a memory. Just a fragment of a moment I encountered. Someday you will not matter anymore. Someday.
Someday I won't hate myself for opening up to you, sharing my heart with you,
Telling you secrets that only my momma knows about me.
Someday this heart won't hurt and I will laugh again and
Breathing won't be such an effort. Someday.
Someday I won't wonder what was it about me that wasn't enough for you. Someday I won't wonder why I couldn't love you the way you needed, why the words I said, the love I gave, the time I spent, the sacrifices I made, the lengths that I went were not enough to make you see me and love me and only me, little imperfect me who was willing to accept imperfect you, flaws and all. I love you. Not for what you could do for me, but for who you are. Someday I won't replay our beginning and our ending over and over in my head, counting the days and the minutes on my fingers and noting the very second I knew not to fall but allowed myself to fall anyway. Someday I won't count the signs, the signs that we were on two different paths and wanted two different things. Someday. Someday this pain will no longer sting, like alcohol on an open wound. Wound. Wounded. Here I am. Again. How many times must I fall before I realize that I can't fly? Will never have wings. It will never happen. Stop trying. Stop trying.
Someday I won't hear your voice in my sleep and open my eyes to look for you and realize that you are not there. I won't remember that though you were not the first, you were the first one that made me want to open my eyes. Funny how I never noticed that. Eyes wide shut until you. Someday I won't exhale like this when I think of us, together, stuck, still, smiling......staring at each other in disbelief that something so good and extraordinary can come from two ordinary souls in a moment of climactic amazement......I miss you.....someday I won't.
Someday I will be stronger. I will not miss you. I will not think of you. I will not even remember you. You will be just a fragment of a moment that barely happened once upon a time. I will be your "one that got away," and you will be my, "I'm sorry, do I know you?" I will be your "I miss you, can I see you," and you will be my, "don't send me a friend request now that you're finally done searching the world for what you had right here." I will be your "I can't stop thinking about you," and you will be my, "What was your name, again?"
Someday you will regret not truly giving me all of you. And I will smile that at that moment you feel like I currently do. Someday you will wish you were him and he will pity you. Someday you will see me and your heart will flutter as it subconsciously reaches out for my unavailable one. Someday you will be ready to truly pursue me, truly declare to the world that you "found" your "good thing" in me (you called me your great thing last week) and I will barely glance your way. You will call my name and I will not answer. You will spot me out in a crowded room and I won't even acknowledge your existence. Because I no longer have to. I am no longer spell bound by your words. I am no longer captivated, sitting on the edge of the bed, hanging on to every sweet syllable as if I am a poor man and you hold the key to all the world's gold. You will no longer hold the key to whether I laugh today. Whether I feel pretty today. My identity and self-acceptance will no longer be wrapped up in you. I will no longer mourn your "love" which was never mine anyway, that was the sacred part of you you selfishly kept for you. I will no longer mourn our "relationship" which was really lust masquerading as affection but I was to blind too see and too desperate to care. You were here. I was broken. You looked like tape and glue and I convinced myself you were what I needed.....you.made.me.feel.pretty. You made me believe. Someday I will forgive you. Someday I will forgive myself. Someday.
Someday I won't feel like soot and ashes and broken glass, but diamond and platinum and sunlight. Someday......someday I won't remember the day we met. And how you spoke and I literally forgot my name.....you were good. You were good at what you did. You sold me a dream I was willing to buy. There are no returns. I can't take it back. But I can move on. Someday. Someday you will pine for me. Your soul will literally feel wrecked from missing me so. You will thirst for me, and I will have no desire to quench it for you. Won't leap for the phone when you call. Won't stare out the window wondering what you wore today, how was breakfast, was traffic heavy, who is she and what made her better for you than me. You will no longer be my preoccupation. Someday holidays won't feel empty. Someday I won't think about the kids we wanted to have. Someday I won't remember how you take your coffee. How you labored over finding the missing match for each pair of socks every time you did laundry. How your eyebrows would furrow when it looked like your football team was losing. How you could talk for HOURS about Jesus and your hometown and giving and saving the world. Your nickname. Your boxers. Your climax face.....Someday you will be less than a fragment of a memory. You will no longer have a hold on me. Your grip on me will weaken. Someday. X.